I have learned people can say the opposite of what they mean. Or maybe even worse? They can mean it. They can say things with full honesty. They want you and love you. Everything is real and authentic. But it changes. Our feelings, our hopes, our wants, can change with such quickness, it leaves you spinning in the driveway.

There is no certainty in relationships. When you enter into one, the person you choose to love could give you untold happiness and joy that knows no bounds. But whether you like it or not,  that same person who made you smitten could also cause you to feel pain, make you shed tears and cause you to bear a poignant sorrow as you traverse through emotional pursuits. When the relationship you thought would last forever turned sour, ended up and didn't work out the way you wanted it to be, how should you face it?

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

The Truth About Changing Them.

You won’t. Because you can’t. Whether you know it now, or you’re still in the process of learning this truth, at some point you will understand that the only person you can control in your life is  yourself. Other people can be manipulated, bullied, guilted, pleaded with. But the only way they are going to truly change is of their own accord, from the inside out.

You can’t force someone to love you, to treat you a certain way. To be honest, faithful, supportive, and  kind. But  you can love yourself enough to acknowledge when you’re being treated wrongly and when you deserve better. 

It’s not about changing them. It never has been. If you’re doing research and brainstorming ways that you can ‘fix’ them, you’re fighting a losing battle. The only direction you should be turning is inward. Listen to yourself, listen to your gut. If they’re mistreating you in some way, you’ll know. If you’re just being overly demanding, you’ll know (if you really, honestly listen to yourself). You do not have the power to change them. What you do have is the power to decide whether or not you’re going to stay.

Remember them when you are alone at night crying, remember the pain they put you through, remember when you almost lost your breath because of the tears you shed over them, and remember how you had to hide your eyes behind your sunglasses so no one could see them, or see you.

In time. After tears. As I woke to the sun on a new day and saw the freedom, the lifted weight on my heart, in forgiving you. You were the boy with dangerous eyes, with arms that sheltered me. You were the boy whose home I discovered, whose heart I opened. The boy who had held my own heart in his hands. Together we had re-learned how to love, how to let someone in when you are still fragile, still scared. We had fallen in love. And because of this, I am forever thankful.

For what I learned in losing you: what I deserve, the immensity of my strength, my capacity to love, to let go. For you. I hope you know that you are forgiven. That being said, to be fair, it’s not just about you. I don’t contact you or anyone because really, right now, I need time for myself. It doesn’t matter how great someone is — at this stage of life, I’m not ready for a “we” and I’m happy being on my own. There are so many things I would like to do for myself and my future and I wouldn’t be able to give it my best if my time and energy were invested elsewhere. More importantly, I have no clue where I will be in a year or two. I don’t want to get involved with someone and have one foot out the door while pretending I can be the chill girl doing casual stuff. I’m not chill and I don’t want to be casual with the people I like. I want to be all in. I want to make promises when I’m capable of keeping and turning them into real actions. Realistically, now is not the time for that yet. 

If there’s no response from me, it doesn’t mean my heart has been immune to human affection. Many times, I have thought and have deleted a text half-way through. Many times, I have waited if there was another message after my silence. Many times, I have wished that someone would try to break my walls and show my stubborn mind how wrong it could be. Because my door might be closed but it’s not locked yet. After all, I’m still a woman and sometimes a woman wants to have a man by her side and her womanly desires fulfilled. But I guess, unfortunately, I can’t have my cake and eat it too. 

It’s all right, though. If there’s anything worthwhile I have learned, it must be about patience and self-control. I will wait and stay grounded for the life I aspire to lead and because I know the things I truly want are not readily available. It takes time.